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That’s what I want for every neurodivergent girl stepping into puberty: Not to be tidied up, Not to be normalised, But to be met, resourced, and celebrated. And if we get that right for her, we make growing up better for every girl.
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AI will not just change how children learn.
It will change who they become… unless we intervene. Here’s how…
You know your child. You love your child. And you are exactly who they need beside them right now. Here’s what to do…
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Girls are being taught to be nice instead of being taught to be true. And it is costing them their confidence, their boundaries, and their sense of self.
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We tell girls to believe in themselves, but then we raise them in a world that’s constantly grading, rating, ranking and scrolling them.
The truth is, confidence doesn’t grow in a culture that punishes authenticity.
Your daughter’s first period is one of those life-changing moments. It’s a threshold that deserves to be noticed, honoured, and marked.
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Girls are learning how to be women by watching us. So what are we teaching them, if we never pause?
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“I have a really warm heart for that phase, they question and they challenge,” says the softly spoken and passionate Kim McCabe about teenagers. She cares so very deeply about how young people feel and the way they are growing up into an increasingly confusing and hostile world.
I read her book at the beginning of 2023, it blew me away. It seemed to reduce all the worries and stress I felt about my tween and give me easy, actionable strategies. I confess I recommended it to everyone I knew with girls that age. You can imagine then how excited I was to speak to her, to hear directly how to manage the woes my youngest is experiencing.
Kim is the right person to talk to about transition. She’s a mother of three, author of the illuminating ‘from Daughter to Woman’ and founder of Rites for Girls. She does not see this time of transition as one of woe though, but an exciting time of change and one to embrace and enjoy.
Kim studied Psychology at Cambridge and then Child Psychology in more depth before working as a counsellor with distressed teenagers. She movingly tells me it was the moment of meeting her baby daughter which led her to go onto create and evolve the organisation Rites for Girls.
Looking into her eyes she thought, “I have to change the world for this girl.”
She clearly sees that the teenage years are those least supported in our society and that we have lost the rites of passage associated with ‘coming of age’. Rites for Girls is working to bring back the support that young people need. Without established initiation rituals teenagers will self initiate – imitating grown up behaviour often with alcohol, drugs and sexual behaviour.
I ask her if one of the problems is the widespread use of social media. It is after all social media that so many of us parents worry about; the media demonises it and our schools seem to bombard us with seminars and emails warning us of the dangers. Kim surprises me by saying that it’s the pandemic that has made the difference to this transitional time, rather than social media.
So how has the pandemic disrupted growing up even more so than the constant connection to devices?
“Our children lost their support networks; teachers, coaches, the sense of community around them.” She goes on to describe how the pandemic made contact with people seem dangerous and because of this so many children withdrew, making social media feel a safer place. “It’s there at a moment’s notice, keeping people connected.”
“It had a hugely positive role at that time”, and she cites Greta Thunberg’s powerful message reaching so many people through this medium. Use of it does exacerbate the traits that you would normally expect to see at this stage – self-consciousness, wanting to fit in and belong. Kim is keen to emphasise that these are normal and natural developmental traits. Teenagers have a reputation for being self-centred but,
“they have a big job of separating from everything and everyone. You’ve got to get to know yourself.”
She describes this phase as a really stimulating time and this refreshing use of terminology does set Kim apart. She is positively glowing as she states that it is,
“teens who help us see the world afresh. It’s (a time) full of potential, what a gift to the whole world.”
“Other adults are vital at this stage, teenagers need a village. Grandparents, godparents and experts. In the modern world we need to actively invite other adults in. This is why the pandemic was so disastrous for young people and they are now suffering more stress related issues and concerns than ever before.
Our children are needing to heal. These are normal and natural stress responses. Let’s help our children recover their equilibrium.”
Kim uses a simple and warm analogy to show us how to manage this growing up stage,
“When our children are very young, we hold their hand when we walk down the road. As they get bigger they might just walk by our side but then we take their hand again when we get to a road. With the online world we must metaphorically hold their hand. Go with them and show them what’s safe behaviour.”
In social media we must help young people recognise what’s healthy content and to take responsibility for the time spent looking at it. It is essential we spend time with them on it. We also need to be good role models, ensure we are using it healthily and think about what they see we’re spending our time on. Kim’s landmark course, Girls Journeying Together group addresses social media and its use in depth, as well as examining ideas of beauty, and key issues for young women such as starting periods and managing friendships.
Rites for Girls runs two threads of support for girls. A year long course called Girls Journeying Together – this brings together a group of girls on the cusp of adolescence to bond, learn about themselves and enter into this exciting time with their own rituals and support group. The second programme is Girls’ Net which was created in direct response to the mental health crisis exacerbated by the pandemic. It brings together girls and young women from around the world online and addresses issues they are struggling with over six weeks.
“Bring back the support young people need otherwise the well-being of our children suffer.”
Kim wrote her first book in between home educating her children,
“They’d be at trampolining and I’d sit in the van and write. I poured so much of my time and energy into it, I wanted to share what the girls had taught me.”
Kim is clear that her book is a resource for all parents, not just those of daughters. She hopes it will help change how they feel about parenting through the teenage years. It is a lovely book; warm and hopeful with practical advice. Much like Kim herself which is why I go on to ask her about what advice she has for us parents of daughters, how can we raise grounded young women with seemingly so many obstacles?
1. When parenting, step back and remember yourself at the age of your child. What was important to you? Think about the clothes you wore and the music you liked. This really helps tune us into what our child needs and helps us understand it better.
2. Give your full attention to them sometimes. Nothing boosts a child’s self-esteem more. (This is the first thing Kim talks about in her book and the ‘mother-daughter date’ is now in my diary regularly with both of my daughters and I cannot recommend it enough!)
3. Family meals are really important. The power of sitting down and sharing food together cannot be underestimated, even if it’s just once a week.
4. Kim’s top tip is to do something for yourself every day. Not just grab a cup of tea and a sit down but something that is meaningful to you. Do something real and nourishing – it will be different for everyone. We want to teach our girls to take care of themselves. Not just take care of other people. So let them see you taking care of you.
First published in The Green Parent Magazine 2023
To mark Children’s Mental health week, here are a few practical tips on how you can support your child’s mental health.
As parents, one of our most important roles is to support and nurture our children’s emotional well-being. With the increasing pressures and challenges of modern life, our children need us more than ever to help them navigate their emotions and develop resilience. We can do this through effective communication, setting boundaries, emotional regulation, and fostering self-esteem.
Give your child your full attention when they are speaking. Put away distractions such as your phone or TV and make eye contact. Show that you are listening by nodding and responding with comments like “I see” or “That sounds tough.”
Instead of asking questions that can answered with yes or no, ask open ended questions, for example ‘What was the best part of your day’? this allows your child to reflect on their day.
Encourage open and honest conversations by being open and honest yourself. Share your thoughts and feelings in an age-appropriate way, and let your child know that it’s okay to express their emotions.
When your child is dealing with a challenging situation or feelings, they could be emotional in their communication with you. If they are angry, don’t react by meeting them back with anger, meet them with curiosity and calm, wondering what has made them feel angry.
Acknowledge your child’s emotions and let them know that it’s okay to feel what they are feeling. For example, “It sounds like you are really frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way.”
Boundaries are essential for creating a safe and predictable environment for your child. Here are some tips for setting and maintaining boundaries:
Clearly communicate the rules and expectations to your child and be consistent in enforcing them. Consistency helps children understand what is expected of them and what the consequences are for not following the rules. Let your child be involved in any conversations about ‘House Rules’, as they need to be fair and apply to everyone.
While it’s important to be firm in setting boundaries, it’s equally important to be fair and understanding. Take the time to explain the reasons behind the rules and listen to your child’s perspective.
Giving your child choices within the boundaries you set can help them feel a sense of autonomy and independence. For example, “You can choose to do your homework now or after dinner.”
Helping your child learn to regulate their emotions is crucial for their mental health. Here are some tips for teaching emotional regulation:
Children learn by observing their parents. Model healthy coping strategies such as deep breathing, taking a break, or talking about your feelings. Your child will be more likely to adopt these strategies themselves. Children learn the most from watching you. If they see coping well in stressful situations, they are likely to manage them well too.
Create a calm and peaceful environment at home where your child feels safe and secure. This can include having a quiet space for relaxation and limiting exposure to stressful situations. Have limits on screen time for the whole family. Eat meals together, this is a great time to talk together!
Encourage your child to express their emotions in healthy ways, such as talking about their feelings, drawing, or writing in a journal. Let them know that it’s okay to feel and express a range of emotions. If you child struggles to express their feelings, name what you are seeing, for example, your fists are clenched and your shoulders are hunched, you look angry. This gives them the vocabulary to express how they feel and notice the sensations in their body.
Praise your child for their effort and hard work, not just their achievements. This helps them develop a growth mindset and understand that their value is not solely based on their accomplishments.
Encourage your child to take on age-appropriate responsibilities and make decisions for themselves. This helps them develop a sense of competence and confidence in their abilities. Children need to feel capable and useful.
Help your child identify and focus on their strengths and talents. Encourage them to pursue activities and hobbies that they enjoy and want to get better at.
When our children are being unlovable, is when they need the most love! Show your child that you love and support them unconditionally. Be there for them during difficult times and celebrate their successes. Your support and encouragement are crucial for building their self-esteem.
Supporting your child’s mental health is a continuous and evolving process. By maintaining open communication, setting clear boundaries, teaching emotional regulation, and fostering self-esteem, you can help your child develop the resilience and skills they need to navigate life’s challenges. Remember, your role as a parent is vital, and the love and support you provide are invaluable to your child’s mental well-being. Make sure you are taking care of your own well-being, as it’s hard to give, what you are not receiving yourself. As our founder, Kim McCabe says, ‘Put your own oxygen mask on first!’ Create practises and find the people, that support and resource you, so that you have the patience and energy to model this to your children.
Jayne Bond is a Girls Journeying Together Facilitator and Girls’ Net Mentor in the Bognor Regis area. To find out more about groups and taster please use the link below to contact her.
At the start of a new year, we can ask ourselves, “Do we really speak our truth?”
For many, the transition from one year to another is the perfect time to reflect. Before stepping over the threshold of a new year, it can be good to spend time celebrating the successes of the year gone by, but also honouring the hard and painful moments.
We can reflect on all aspects of our lives: our work, the things that bring us joy, and our relationships – with our family, colleagues, friends and most importantly, ourselves. After looking back, we can think about how we want to move forward, stepping into the new year with intention and purpose.
So we can ask ourselves: How will we show up for ourselves? How will we protect our peace, hold our boundaries and speak our truth? For women in particular, speaking up can be a hard one. Although we’ve come a long way when it comes to gender inequality, most women still suffer from the collective wound inflicted by patriarchal society which often includes a fear of speaking out, a fear of using our voice.
I can remember when it became hard for me to use my voice. It was when I was a teenage girl. Feeling brave, I could speak up, but only to myself or the people I trusted the most. Out in the world, I would be on guard. When something happened that didn’t feel right, I often found myself socially paralysed. Heat would rise in my body, including my face, which made me wish a hole would appear into which I could disappear. I would be searching for words that wouldn’t come; and not wanting to make the other person feel uncomfortable, I’d not say anything. I’d feel uncomfortable instead, with a throat that felt as if a vice was being tightened around it.
Over time, as I replayed the situation over and over in my head, words would well up from within me and gather right underneath that vice. More and more, pressing against each other, tumbling out of my inner knowing, desperate to be screamed into the silence I had created. But the vice would stay closed.
Girls can lose their voice before they enter their teens
Growing up today is particularly hard for girls. Add to that a huge life transition like puberty and it’s easy to see how a girl, and her voice, can get lost. Interestingly, many young children don’t have issues with speaking up and asserting themselves, boy or girl. We’ve all heard toddlers say “Hey, that’s my toy!” or “I don’t like this game, let’s play this instead.” Yet, when those toddlers grow up and enter puberty, their voice is silenced. Teenagers carry the burden of countless pressures and expectations and the need to fit in makes standing up for yourself difficult. It becomes hard to say, “I don’t want to go to that party” when everyone else is going. At that age, my own self-consciousness and lack of understanding of who I was, made me doubt myself and unsure whether or not I could trust my intuition. Even when I listened to the messages my body was sending me, I simply didn’t have the vocabulary to put words to the feelings and I lost my ‘voice’.
Many women and girls struggle with speaking up. When we have safe places to practice giving attention to how we think and feel, we can experiment with speaking our truth out loud.
Charlotte is a Trainer and Accredited Girls Journeying Together Facilitator. She runs groups in South East London and you can find more details here: