See the World Afresh

“I have a really warm heart for that phase, they question and they challenge,” says the softly spoken and passionate Kim McCabe about teenagers. She cares so very deeply about how young people feel and the way they are growing up into an increasingly confusing and hostile world. 

I read her book at the beginning of 2023, it blew me away. It seemed to reduce all the worries and stress I felt about my tween and give me easy, actionable strategies. I confess I recommended it to everyone I knew with girls that age. You can imagine then how excited I was to speak to her, to hear directly how to manage the woes my youngest is experiencing. 

Kim is the right person to talk to about transition. She’s a mother of three, author of the illuminating ‘from Daughter to Woman’ and founder of Rites for Girls. She does not see this time of transition as one of woe though, but an exciting time of change and one to embrace and enjoy.

Kim studied Psychology at Cambridge and then Child Psychology in more depth before working as a counsellor with distressed teenagers. She movingly tells me it was the moment of meeting her baby daughter which led her to go onto create and evolve the organisation Rites for Girls.

Looking into her eyes she thought, “I have to change the world for this girl.”

She clearly sees that the teenage years are those least supported in our society and that we have lost the rites of passage associated with ‘coming of age’. Rites for Girls is working to bring back the support that young people need. Without established initiation rituals teenagers will self initiate – imitating grown up behaviour often with alcohol, drugs and sexual behaviour.

 

Is it social media?

I ask her if one of the problems is the widespread use of social media. It is after all social media that so many of us parents worry about; the media demonises it and our schools seem to bombard us with seminars and emails warning us of the dangers. Kim surprises me by saying that it’s the pandemic that has made the difference to this transitional time, rather than social media.

So how has the pandemic disrupted growing up even more so than the constant connection to devices?

“Our children lost their support networks; teachers, coaches, the sense of community around them.” She goes on to describe how the pandemic made contact with people seem dangerous and because of this so many children withdrew, making social media feel a safer place. “It’s there at a moment’s notice, keeping people connected.”

“It had a hugely positive role at that time”, and she cites Greta Thunberg’s powerful message reaching so many people through this medium. Use of it does exacerbate the traits that you would normally expect to see at this stage – self-consciousness, wanting to fit in and belong. Kim is keen to emphasise that these are normal and natural developmental traits. Teenagers have a reputation for being self-centred but,

“they have a big job of separating from everything and everyone. You’ve got to get to know yourself.”

She describes this phase as a really stimulating time and this refreshing use of terminology does set Kim apart. She is positively glowing as she states that it is,

“teens who help us see the world afresh. It’s (a time) full of potential, what a gift to the whole world.”

 

“Other adults are vital at this stage, teenagers need a village. Grandparents, godparents and experts. In the modern world we need to actively invite other adults in. This is why the pandemic was so disastrous for young people and they are now suffering more stress related issues and concerns than ever before.

Our children are needing to heal. These are normal and natural stress responses. Let’s help our children recover their equilibrium.”

Kim uses a simple and warm analogy to show us how to manage this growing up stage,

“When our children are very young, we hold their hand when we walk down the road. As they get bigger they might just walk by our side but then we take their hand again when we get to a road. With the online world we must metaphorically hold their hand. Go with them and show them what’s safe behaviour.”

In social media we must help young people recognise what’s healthy content and to take responsibility for the time spent looking at it. It is essential we spend time with them on it. We also need to be good role models, ensure we are using it healthily and think about what they see we’re spending our time on. Kim’s landmark course, Girls Journeying Together group addresses social media and its use in depth, as well as examining ideas of beauty, and key issues for young women such as starting periods and managing friendships.

 

Rites for Girls runs two threads of support for girls. A year long course called Girls Journeying Together – this brings together a group of girls on the cusp of adolescence to bond, learn about themselves and enter into this exciting time with their own rituals and support group. The second programme is Girls’ Net which was created in direct response to the mental health crisis exacerbated by the pandemic. It brings together girls and young women from around the world online and addresses issues they are struggling with over six weeks.

“Bring back the support young people need otherwise the well-being of our children suffer.”

 

From Daughter to Woman

Kim wrote her first book in between home educating her children,

“They’d be at trampolining and I’d sit in the van and write. I poured so much of my time and energy into it, I wanted to share what the girls had taught me.”

Kim is clear that her book is a resource for all parents, not just those of daughters. She hopes it will help change how they feel about parenting through the teenage years. It is a lovely book; warm and hopeful with practical advice. Much like Kim herself which is why I go on to ask her about what advice she has for us parents of daughters, how can we raise grounded young women with seemingly so many obstacles?

1. When parenting, step back and remember yourself at the age of your child. What was important to you? Think about the clothes you wore and the music you liked. This really helps tune us into what our child needs and helps us understand it better.

2. Give your full attention to them sometimes. Nothing boosts a child’s self-esteem more. (This is the first thing Kim talks about in her book and the ‘mother-daughter date’ is now in my diary regularly with both of my daughters and I cannot recommend it enough!)

3. Family meals are really important. The power of sitting down and sharing food together cannot be underestimated, even if it’s just once a week.

4. Kim’s top tip is to do something for yourself every day. Not just grab a cup of tea and a sit down but something that is meaningful to you. Do something real and nourishing – it will be different for everyone. We want to teach our girls to take care of themselves. Not just take care of other people. So let them see you taking care of you.

 

First published in The Green Parent Magazine 2023

Teenagers are great!

We often hear comments about how infants bring a sense of wonder back into our lives. With teenagers, however, the focus tends to be on how they irritate us and less on how their behaviour can remind us of what is truly important in life.

What is your teen doing that you haven’t done in a long, long time – and maybe wish you were?

– taking myself and my feelings really, really seriously.

– fighting for my right to live how I want.

– caring a great deal about my friends.

– questioning authority.

– seeking excitement.

– experimenting with how I look.

– wondering who I am.

– taking risks.

– sleeping until I no longer feel tired.

– eating what I really fancy.

– courting new friendships.

– testing limits.

– acting on impulse.

– learning by doing.

– going for what I want.

– winging it.

– giggling.

– trying new things.

– railing at life’s injustices.

– believing that a better world is within our grasp.

Thinking of the young people in your life, what can you add to this list of important things that teenagers do?

We asked on social media what people enjoyed about their preteen and teen years and the comments echoed the above list. Here are just a few -please do add yours.

“When people ask if you could go back to being a teen, what would you do differently – having a teen is your chance to do just that, guide them past the mistakes you made, and support them with their own.” Larissa, Norfolk

“I LOVE this age!

So much positivity and hope at this age. Raw emotions that show vulnerability that as adults we try and suppress. Nervous excitement about new things and the look for encouragement from us as parents or teachers.” Lizzie, Suffolk

“I absolutely love her confidence, the ability to see her own beauty and worth and celebrate her attributes without holding back.” Lynsey, Merseyside

The teenage years have their unique challenges, for the teens and their parents. As adults in a teen’s life, we can understand and support them better when we remember what it was like to be a teenager ourselves.

Our teens are great teachers. They remind us of some of the most important things in life. And they feel good when we tell them how much we learn from them. Often those things that irritate us most, could inspire us too.

We’d love to hear what your teen does that you’d like to do too.

Inside Out 2: What’s the upside to this inside?

What a great film – if you’re over eighteen! There’s so much to relate to – the rage that’s triggered by nothing much, the tears that rise up from no-where, and the anxiety. Oh, the anxiety of being a teenager. But I was watching from the point of view of the preteens, who will make up much of the audience, and it was frankly terrifying. Is this going to happen to me? What’s the upside to this inside?

Where in the film were the new emotions that also visit us during adolescence: exuberance, invincibility, and curiosity? Puberty brings emotional gifts as well as challenges. Remember those times when life seemed limitless and amazing, and you just felt so full of your hopes and dreams you could burst. At the same time, with greater self-awareness comes increased self-consciousness, and with that embarrassment, envy, and anxiety. And the teen brain is under reconstruction, so all feelings are felt more intensely. Of course, those feelings don’t last, no feeling does. Feelings are like the weather, they come and then they pass, especially if we don’t suppress them. However, teens don’t necessarily have the tools to deal with this intensity, and they act out, or seem not to be themselves – for a bit. All normal. And mostly manageable when you’re in it. But I don’t want children to dread the teen years (or their parents) and this film reinforces the message that teenage years are hell, and crippling anxiety runs the show.

So, it concerns me that this is the biggest grossing animation, released at the start of the summer holidays viewed by millions of pre- pubescent kids and their parents.

I talked to my 20-something daughter-in-law who loved it. She thought it was a wonderful representation of what it’s like to go through your teens. The friendship dilemmas, the random fury, and that pervasive anxiety. It was entertaining for her to see it characterised by the battle of emotions in this way. Affirming of her experience of the teen years.

By contrast my ten-year-old niece, who also loved it, found it confusing. Her Dad helped her to make sense of it by explaining that the girl lost her sense of self when puberty hit but found a new one. She liked the new characters in the girl’s head, but she didn’t seem to ‘get it’. Yet. She will…

Emotions

At Rites for Girls we run girls groups for preteen girls, and when talking about growing up I notice many are still age-appropriately naïve. “I’ll never drink, take drugs, have sex before marriage, get piercings or tattoos, dress like that!” They might, later on, but they’re not there yet. And hopefully each girl will feel equipped to make her own choices about these things. And there’s no hurry.

So, after seeing this film how can we chat with our preteens to help them look forward to what lies ahead? And prepare them too.

Here are seven pointers:

  1. Feelings are never wrong. They tell you something important about what you need. It gets complicated if you ignore them.
  2. There are no prizes for coping on your own. Lean on your friends, your family, and other key adults around you. Often, they feel good to be trusted by you. Different people help in different ways, so have a variety, and look out for adults who aren’t your parents for those times when parents feel too close to talk to. Everyone needs an ‘auntie’ or two.
  3. Response-ability is your ability to respond to situations. Your feelings are a guide, but then you use your brain and the advice of others to figure out the best way to respond.
  4. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we learn. Just be aware of making the same mistakes, because then you’re not learning. And figure out how to repair things when you’ve messed up.
  5. The coolest people are those who are most able to be true to themselves. They may not be in the ‘cool crowd’ but just you wait, those ‘cool’ kids may not seem so awesome in a few years’ time. Hold onto who you are, the friendships that really feel good, and the things you love to do.
  6. Being a teenager is crazy, amazing, special. You get to explore what makes you ‘you’, enjoy way more freedoms, and experiment. It can be tough at times too, and that’s normal; so, know that you’re not alone. I want you to feel that I’m here for you, your biggest fan, and committed member of your support team.
  7. There’s no hurry. There’s no need to prove to anyone that you’re growing up. Enjoy the journey as well as the destination. Grow up at your own pace – it really isn’t a race.

Kim McCabe, Founder and Director, Rites for Girls

Mother-Daughter Dates this summer

The idea of a Mother-Daughter Date is for you to spend time alone together, once a month for a few hours with your daughter. You might view the school holidays as a greater opportunity to spend more time together or an extra complexity as you try to juggle work, childcare and possibly the needs of more than one child.

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