Teenagers are great!

We often hear comments about how infants bring a sense of wonder back into our lives. With teenagers, however, the focus tends to be on how they irritate us and less on how their behaviour can remind us of what is truly important in life.

What is your teen doing that you haven’t done in a long, long time – and maybe wish you were?

– taking myself and my feelings really, really seriously.

– fighting for my right to live how I want.

– caring a great deal about my friends.

– questioning authority.

– seeking excitement.

– experimenting with how I look.

– wondering who I am.

– taking risks.

– sleeping until I no longer feel tired.

– eating what I really fancy.

– courting new friendships.

– testing limits.

– acting on impulse.

– learning by doing.

– going for what I want.

– winging it.

– giggling.

– trying new things.

– railing at life’s injustices.

– believing that a better world is within our grasp.

Thinking of the young people in your life, what can you add to this list of important things that teenagers do?

We asked on social media what people enjoyed about their preteen and teen years and the comments echoed the above list. Here are just a few -please do add yours.

“When people ask if you could go back to being a teen, what would you do differently – having a teen is your chance to do just that, guide them past the mistakes you made, and support them with their own.” Larissa, Norfolk

“I LOVE this age!

So much positivity and hope at this age. Raw emotions that show vulnerability that as adults we try and suppress. Nervous excitement about new things and the look for encouragement from us as parents or teachers.” Lizzie, Suffolk

“I absolutely love her confidence, the ability to see her own beauty and worth and celebrate her attributes without holding back.” Lynsey, Merseyside

The teenage years have their unique challenges, for the teens and their parents. As adults in a teen’s life, we can understand and support them better when we remember what it was like to be a teenager ourselves.

Our teens are great teachers. They remind us of some of the most important things in life. And they feel good when we tell them how much we learn from them. Often those things that irritate us most, could inspire us too.

We’d love to hear what your teen does that you’d like to do too.

Inside Out 2: What’s the upside to this inside?

What a great film – if you’re over eighteen! There’s so much to relate to – the rage that’s triggered by nothing much, the tears that rise up from no-where, and the anxiety. Oh, the anxiety of being a teenager. But I was watching from the point of view of the preteens, who will make up much of the audience, and it was frankly terrifying. Is this going to happen to me? What’s the upside to this inside?

Where in the film were the new emotions that also visit us during adolescence: exuberance, invincibility, and curiosity? Puberty brings emotional gifts as well as challenges. Remember those times when life seemed limitless and amazing, and you just felt so full of your hopes and dreams you could burst. At the same time, with greater self-awareness comes increased self-consciousness, and with that embarrassment, envy, and anxiety. And the teen brain is under reconstruction, so all feelings are felt more intensely. Of course, those feelings don’t last, no feeling does. Feelings are like the weather, they come and then they pass, especially if we don’t suppress them. However, teens don’t necessarily have the tools to deal with this intensity, and they act out, or seem not to be themselves – for a bit. All normal. And mostly manageable when you’re in it. But I don’t want children to dread the teen years (or their parents) and this film reinforces the message that teenage years are hell, and crippling anxiety runs the show.

So, it concerns me that this is the biggest grossing animation, released at the start of the summer holidays viewed by millions of pre- pubescent kids and their parents.

I talked to my 20-something daughter-in-law who loved it. She thought it was a wonderful representation of what it’s like to go through your teens. The friendship dilemmas, the random fury, and that pervasive anxiety. It was entertaining for her to see it characterised by the battle of emotions in this way. Affirming of her experience of the teen years.

By contrast my ten-year-old niece, who also loved it, found it confusing. Her Dad helped her to make sense of it by explaining that the girl lost her sense of self when puberty hit but found a new one. She liked the new characters in the girl’s head, but she didn’t seem to ‘get it’. Yet. She will…

Emotions

At Rites for Girls we run girls groups for preteen girls, and when talking about growing up I notice many are still age-appropriately naïve. “I’ll never drink, take drugs, have sex before marriage, get piercings or tattoos, dress like that!” They might, later on, but they’re not there yet. And hopefully each girl will feel equipped to make her own choices about these things. And there’s no hurry.

So, after seeing this film how can we chat with our preteens to help them look forward to what lies ahead? And prepare them too.

Here are seven pointers:

  1. Feelings are never wrong. They tell you something important about what you need. It gets complicated if you ignore them.
  2. There are no prizes for coping on your own. Lean on your friends, your family, and other key adults around you. Often, they feel good to be trusted by you. Different people help in different ways, so have a variety, and look out for adults who aren’t your parents for those times when parents feel too close to talk to. Everyone needs an ‘auntie’ or two.
  3. Response-ability is your ability to respond to situations. Your feelings are a guide, but then you use your brain and the advice of others to figure out the best way to respond.
  4. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we learn. Just be aware of making the same mistakes, because then you’re not learning. And figure out how to repair things when you’ve messed up.
  5. The coolest people are those who are most able to be true to themselves. They may not be in the ‘cool crowd’ but just you wait, those ‘cool’ kids may not seem so awesome in a few years’ time. Hold onto who you are, the friendships that really feel good, and the things you love to do.
  6. Being a teenager is crazy, amazing, special. You get to explore what makes you ‘you’, enjoy way more freedoms, and experiment. It can be tough at times too, and that’s normal; so, know that you’re not alone. I want you to feel that I’m here for you, your biggest fan, and committed member of your support team.
  7. There’s no hurry. There’s no need to prove to anyone that you’re growing up. Enjoy the journey as well as the destination. Grow up at your own pace – it really isn’t a race.

Kim McCabe, Founder and Director, Rites for Girls